you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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