so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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