I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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