hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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