I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
