Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
