how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
