Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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