I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
