I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
