It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well I just put wine in my tea
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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