It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
