Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
