I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
