I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
