rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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