You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
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the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
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Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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