seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think my vagina is haunted
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
