omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
