roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
