The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I love how my cats smell like pot.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
