Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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