Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
