I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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