Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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