if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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