I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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