Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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