Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
