My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
