I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
