I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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