I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
