You smell like a Billy Joel song
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Cover your peen. We're going out.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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