someone threw a dead crab at me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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