Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
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What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
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You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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