when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
