I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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