I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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