Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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