If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
