My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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