I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
