why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
