you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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