Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
