Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
