I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
