Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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