All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
