I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
