There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
